Back and Forth

This is such a test for me... and for him as well. After converting he has been thinking a lot to make sure he is making the right decision, alhamdulilah, as he should. He should be convinced, as I am, that Islam is the true faith of God and that it is the faith that should be followed. 

It does throw my heart in opposite directions though when we talk about religion with each other. I want so badly for him to be a Muslim that it hurts when he says that there are areas of Islamic belief that he has a hard time accepting. Mostly these things relate to Jesus and the Islamic viewpoint on his life and death. MashaAllah, if he were to pass today he would die as a Muslim and inshaAllah be granted Jannah. I couldn't ask for more than that. 

He has told me that we would get married today if he was absolutely sure about religion. SubhanaAllah, I try to be so patient through this and guide him along the way, giving resources to Islam that he may not have otherwise. I can only put my faith in Allah and know that whatever happens, it is Allah's will and be happy with it. 

Now on a different note, Naushad called me Saturday night at 1am and we talked for two hours. The first 5 minutes or more he was asking about me and Gabe and if we were together. I'm not sure what his intentions were behind this... part of me wonders if he is asking because he wants to talk to me again. The other side of me thinks that he wants to know because he feels so sorry for me... like I lost something so great when we broke up. Through the conversation he expressed his thoughts on the girl he has been seeing in Florida and I told him it is hard to hear since she came before me and I always thought that she would come after me as well. He said he wanted to love me but he thinks maybe he never did... **sigh**... that is never easy to hear. 

I continue conversating with Naushad because I don't know of anyone else who will tell him straight out when he is being stupid. I feel like he needs so much help and guidance to get him to where he needs to be and I feel responsible for helping him in any way that I can. At the same time though, when I am talking to him I end up leaving the conversation feeling so stupid for staying with him for so long... for believing he was a better man than he is, subhanaAllah. 

So here I sit... continuing to be in limbo for what will happen in this life. Maybe I will continue to be a single mom... maybe I will get married and have more kids... Allahu Alim. InshaAllah I will be grateful for whatever comes my way and not lose hope. I have been so lazy with my Islam lately and feeling despair for what is going on, astagfirullah. I know better... I know that strengthening my iman and deen is the only cure for unhappiness, but yet I stray. InshaAllah I will get stronger by the day and be of those who are blessed with Jannah, only through the grace and mercy of Allah. 

Might be able to let go....

After praying istikhaara a few days ago, I woke up thinking "He's converting and I'm getting married"... just like it is clear as day. I kept praying just in case... I didn't want my own wants and feelings to override what I should be feeling/knowing from istikhaara. I kept trying to keep my mind open, and not to let my overwhelming feelings fog reality. Personally, I think I did well!

So we went to my friend's house last night, just to hang out and talk. We talked about marriage and when it would be if he converted, feelings on family and the home, etc while we were in the car to and from there. It felt so good, so right. When I got home, I was off in my own little space case, not realizing I left my phone in my car. I prayed isha and witr and decided to hold off on my continued istikhaara prayer until I got my phone. There's a text asking me to let him know when I get home. I did (hoping in the back of my mind that it was the call where he was going to say he was going to convert, but wrote that off quickly as my own little dream), and he called.

He said he didn't have much time to talk, his phone was going dead. I could tell he was nervous... which made me nervous that there was bad news. I don't even remember the first part of the conversation, I know it was short. Then he said his shahadah and I was silent.... and in my greatest form, haha, I replied "really?!"... I have been waiting for this for what feels like forever. I can remember telling my friend that he -had- to convert... it only makes sense. If he reads the Qur'an, it is impossible to not convert and I knew it was going to happen all along, but doubting myself all the way. 

I woke up this morning so happy, just on cloud 9... I couldn't believe that what I've been praying for and hoping for finally happened... and just a few days after I prayed istikhaara about it, SubhanAllah. I woke up for suhoor today after missing it the last couple days and had a good suhoor, prayed fajr and even an extra prayer, woke back up around 8 to call my friend and tell her everything. She kept asking me "So does this mean you're getting married?", to which I reply "I -think- so!", with the biggest cheesiest smile on my face!

He chats me when I'm at work, and tells me he is nervous, he wonders if he made the right decision. I don't see him going back on the decision... he isn't one to make a decision like that without an incredible amount of thought about it and being very sure. I can understand though the overwhelming feeling of "what do I do now?"... I was just there a little over a year and a half ago and I studied three times as long as he has. He says he feels sick to his stomach and unstable. I try to say this is normal, but I do worry that it will effect his decision and that he may go back on it... that the changes will be too overwhelming. 

I think it will be okay. I pray that he finds joy and solice in coming to the straight path and inshaAllah we can walk that path together. Even if we aren't meant to walk it together, inshaAllah he stays on the straight path and grows in his faith all the time. 

Trying to hold my excitement...

I don't want to jump ahead of myself... but it seems like it is going to happen. The man I have been spending so much time with and holding myself from falling for... sometimes more successfully than others... he might actually become Muslim. I make du'a all the time that inshaAllah he will find the light of Islam and the truth in the Qur'an... not for me, but for Allah and Allah only and for his own salvation. I can't help but think though that this could be it. InshaAllah... InshaAllah.... InshaAllah. Allah is the best of planners.

.....

As I write this though, I stop myself. I think of all the times that I thought this way, and he went back to feeling that it wasn't a possiblity at all. If he chooses not to follow Islam, then I'm back to square one with trying to find a husband. InshaAllah I'm guided to the best husband for me.

I want to be excited... I want to rejoice in this moment... but I don't want to hurt myself by getting my hopes up. **sigh**

I guess all my emotions need to stay in my safe, secure box... just a bit longer. **sigh** It is getting so much harder since I find out more and more about him, with each piece of information I am more and more convinced that he is the man I am looking for. The type of man that will be a good and upright husband and father.

If it doesn't work though, I just need to keep my trust in Allah that the best thing is happening, no matter what my perspective is on it.

....

Well, that was a rollar coaster of emotion.... **sigh**

Coming around...

Well, my goals for Ramadan started out very aggressive and I was a bit worried that I would not be able to keep the motivation. I have to admit that expecting to do 4 days worth of prayer each day was probably setting the goal a bit high. Alhamdulilah, the first week or so I was able to keep up with this and inshaAllah I can get into a regular routine and continue working to make up for the prayers I have missed throughout the year and haven't been able to make up as of yet. This is only my second Ramadan, but it doesn't feel as much "like Ramadan" as it did last year. I think it is because I am spending most of it alone, SubhanAllah.

Today while praying Dhuhr though, I felt my heart almost shake during Al-Fatiha... it has been a long time since I've felt that and alhamdulilah, it feels good to get back to that. I went through a lot of different religions before coming to Islam and I don't want my interest in Islam to fade like it did with all the other religions. This time though, I know Islam is the truth so inshaAllah that will keep me strong. I wish I knew how to express this truth to others and inshaAllah try to guide those around me to come to Islam. For now I don't feel that the message is wanted by most, and I think it will push people away to talk about Islam when they don't want to hear it.

My patience has been taking a big toll lately also. I don't need to be in control of every situation, but to have absolutely no control whatsoever really is hard to swallow. SubhanAllah, I need to put my trust in Allah and just allow life to flow. I can't stress myself about this, but it is also very hard to keep emotions on hold... I feel like they are escaping more and more lately. The only way to stop that from happening isn't emotionally healthy and I've learned that it can actually be detrimental. InshaAllah this is a test that I can pass... what else can I do?

Overwhelmed with haram

I walk into work today and I'm just completely overwhelmed, as I have been for the past week or so. There's music playing from two cubes on either side of me.... one techno and the other hip hop. Then the F-bombs come flying as soon as I come in, my neighboring coworker pops his head over the cube to ask me about something that doesn't need my approval -at all-. I just want to go back home and read a book, do something quiet.... or at least work somewhere that doesn't require me to leave my deen at the door. 

I've worked here for quite some time, and I am expected to accept others as they are... I can not ask them to watch their language or to stop talking about everything in a sexual nature, or to please refrain from reminding everyone of my drunken stories 3 years ago... because after all, it is what I did, so what's the harm in that??

Maybe I've gotten too sensitive, maybe it is my fault and I shouldn't be so jolted by it each morning when I walk in. If the economy wasn't in such a hole right now, I could look for different work quite easily, but I haven't been able to find much when I do search. I'm just getting really tired of being the only person who doesn't constantly talk about getting drunk, having sex and throwing F-bombs all over the place. It was fun to basically work in a frat house when I joined in partying, but I see now why some people do not like the environment and leave...