Monday, October 13, 2008

Back and Forth

This is such a test for me... and for him as well. After converting he has been thinking a lot to make sure he is making the right decision, alhamdulilah, as he should. He should be convinced, as I am, that Islam is the true faith of God and that it is the faith that should be followed. 

It does throw my heart in opposite directions though when we talk about religion with each other. I want so badly for him to be a Muslim that it hurts when he says that there are areas of Islamic belief that he has a hard time accepting. Mostly these things relate to Jesus and the Islamic viewpoint on his life and death. MashaAllah, if he were to pass today he would die as a Muslim and inshaAllah be granted Jannah. I couldn't ask for more than that. 

He has told me that we would get married today if he was absolutely sure about religion. SubhanaAllah, I try to be so patient through this and guide him along the way, giving resources to Islam that he may not have otherwise. I can only put my faith in Allah and know that whatever happens, it is Allah's will and be happy with it. 

Now on a different note, Naushad called me Saturday night at 1am and we talked for two hours. The first 5 minutes or more he was asking about me and Gabe and if we were together. I'm not sure what his intentions were behind this... part of me wonders if he is asking because he wants to talk to me again. The other side of me thinks that he wants to know because he feels so sorry for me... like I lost something so great when we broke up. Through the conversation he expressed his thoughts on the girl he has been seeing in Florida and I told him it is hard to hear since she came before me and I always thought that she would come after me as well. He said he wanted to love me but he thinks maybe he never did... **sigh**... that is never easy to hear. 

I continue conversating with Naushad because I don't know of anyone else who will tell him straight out when he is being stupid. I feel like he needs so much help and guidance to get him to where he needs to be and I feel responsible for helping him in any way that I can. At the same time though, when I am talking to him I end up leaving the conversation feeling so stupid for staying with him for so long... for believing he was a better man than he is, subhanaAllah. 

So here I sit... continuing to be in limbo for what will happen in this life. Maybe I will continue to be a single mom... maybe I will get married and have more kids... Allahu Alim. InshaAllah I will be grateful for whatever comes my way and not lose hope. I have been so lazy with my Islam lately and feeling despair for what is going on, astagfirullah. I know better... I know that strengthening my iman and deen is the only cure for unhappiness, but yet I stray. InshaAllah I will get stronger by the day and be of those who are blessed with Jannah, only through the grace and mercy of Allah. 

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