Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ramadan Disappointment

We are on day 6 of Ramadan, mashaAllah. This year is starting out pretty hard. The hard part is not the longer fasting days... that has actually been relatively easy; it is trying to appreciate the blessings and opportunities of Ramadan while having a baby around. Nursing has made it so I can only fast every other day or every two days. Last year I couldn't fast at all because I had gestational diabetes, but I could still surround my day with prayer, reading, dhikr (remembrance of Allah), lectures, etc. This year my day revolves around DD2's needs: diapers, naps, nursing, eating, playing, baths, etc. Alhamdulilah, I love taking care of my family; this is just the first year I haven't been able to fully focus on Ramadan so it is feeling empty and sad. I feel like I should be doing more, but my nafs (soul/desires) feels like it has a strong grip on me. Wanting to give in to what's fun and entertaining wins over the will to read and learn more about this beautiful way of life. I want to use this month where Shaytan is locked up to improve myself as a Muslim and to get to the next step of existence in this world... but I feel like the status quo is all I can maintain.

I'm learning more and more why Jannah (Heaven) is at the feet of our mothers! We sacrifice so much for our kids, just to make sure their basic needs are met, and then sacrifice more to please them and help them towards their own goals. Before having my youngest, I was taking online classes, attending multiple halaqas a week, taking an Arabic class, reading at home and listening to lectures, etc. I thought I would be able to keep doing at least half of all those things, but little by little, I keep dropping one thing after another because it just doesn't fit into my life right now. InshaAllah I can appreciate this season in my life and not become completely stagnint in my practice of my faith. I think we should always be trying to improve ourselves.

In other news, we are finally completely moved in to our new place: our first investment property! We bought a duplex and we are living in one side and renting the other. InshaAllah this will set us up financially in the future so things can be more comfortable! Unpacking is requiring a lot of my attention, which seems burdensome against my want for more dedicated time for worship this Ramadan, but I know that the work I do to make this house a home will be beneficial for me in this life and the next, inshaAllah.

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