Dangit!

I'm so lazy lately, ugh! I hate that my motivation is totally gone and I'm always tired. Plus, nothing sounds or tastes good, other than girl scout cookies and saltine crackers. I'm not getting sick, it is just that I don't like the taste of anything and the smells bother me. Dang, I was hoping to not be such a wimp this time, but the hormones are winning!

Missing sisters and being lazy

There are so many things I want to share with my sisters on Facebook, like videos and articles and so many things! But, I'm not ready to go back... I'm still a bit angry about the actions that caused me to leave and so it still would not be healthy for me to go back. I miss my sisters though! So many around the world, and now it is scattered on how to keep in touch with them! Oh well, alhamdulilah for everything.   :)

I've decided to take on another direct sales business, Shaklee. I figure, what the heck, I really like what the company stands for and I'll get a discount on the products and if I make some extra money, mashaAllah. I'm falling behind in the calls I need to do for my other direct sales business, which can not be named on the Internet, hehehe. I've been really tired the last couple days and sometimes quite crabby. I still don't really feel preggo (other than a way sore chest, which keeps me from jogging), but maybe this is it catching up with me.

And then of course, there's keeping up with articles I want to write for my blog and friend's website... but the motivation escapes me to look up all the scripture and everything to write it with as much proof and thought as possible. Oh, and my SunniPath class that I'm not behind on. Did I take on too much, again? I don't think so... I enjoy having stuff to do. I'm just being lazy this last week.

Present Day? I think so!

I finally got my rectangle baker and 12" skillet, which I'm sooo excited for!! After having a relatively stressful day yesterday, and thinking about starting another direct sales business (yes, I'm trying to do everything I can to stay at home!), this is a very nice surprise. I'm so excited to use both items! I know I'll be making tacos in the skillet tomorrow, but what to make in the baker? Hmmm.

If that wasn't awesome enough, to top it off (well, this actually came first today, but it isn't completed yet) I got my federal refund today, so I'm officially shopping for a MacBook Pro! I have a bid in with one guy near me and I'm looking around for other deals to try and save some money instead of buying it brand new. InshaAllah I find a good deal, I'm really itchin' to get my own computer again!

Excitement and the dark cloud

First sign of pregnancy: allergies are back, in full swing. Man, my whole face itches including the inside of my mouth (big time) and my eyes. Alhamdulilah, I can take Sudafed and I'll try to keep it as low as possible, but I'm starting to consider getting rid of the cat because I think being pregnant, and I as found out - being on the birth control pill, intensifies my allergies to the cat. DD won't be happy. She loves animals. Hmmmm.

I grow in excitement as the news keeps sinking in. Next week, we're going to two birthing centers for initial consultations and to inshaAllah pick one for the prenatal care, labor and delivery. I love the idea of a birthing center instead of a hospital, and inshaAllah, insurance will help pay for it because I don't think we have an option if it doesn't.

There is the typical dark cloud though, hanging over our excitement and good news. Whenever something happy is going on for us, we are reminded that we are not followers of Jesus (uh, excuse me, yes we are.... we are followers of Allah and all the Prophets He sent down) and basically our good news is bad news to those that don't accept us. I think we're at excuse #70 for people raining our our parade, which means just a couple more times and they are done with me giving them the benefit of the doubt. I'm pretty fed up with all our celebrations in life being tainted by those reminding us of our religious difference. Don't you think you could just be happy for us, for yourself and the life achievements, for once? If not, leave. Go somewhere else with your sappy self and sulk where we are unaware. Ugh.

Sooooooooo, anyway, alhamdulilah for Sudafed... now too bad there isn't something for the very sore chest... it feels like someone is punching me in the chest when I go jogging! :)

The dream came true

MashaAllah, all that I had wished for, Allah granted. All that I have dreamed of lately, has come true, mashaAllah. I get to stay home, and now work from home as well, mashaAllah. I fear it all coming crashing down, but for now, I'm going to enjoy these gifts of Allah.

Our family is growing, mashaAllah. I get to be happy this time! I get to be excited! I'm allowed to be looking forward to our life ahead and I don't have people telling me how I am making a mistake and to somehow back out of my responsibility.

So, with this, we have to understand that things are going to be different than how our families expect. We are not baptizing our child, and we may not have a baby shower (not sure how to not have a baby shower... that's how people get half their stuff for baby, isn't it?), and most likely, just the knowledge that we're preggo is going to spark a "come to Jesus" speech.

InshaAllah the pregnancy goes well, I'm a bit worried about something going wrong, but at the same time, I was worried about getting preggo, and mashaAllah, we got preggo the first month we tried! Allah is the best of planners.

Bringing it back

I remembered today when I was reading someone else's blog, that once upon a time, I had a blog about my person life as well... I started it out in need of telling people my struggles with where I was in my deen, how work effected that, and about this super secret man that had no name... and now is my husband, mashaAllah.

I want to blog again about my personal life... to let it out, and not have to be so secretive anymore inshaAllah. So, here it is... I'm even opening up my previous posts by importing the, but I enjoy reading it as a blast from the (not so far off) past. SubhanAllah, we've all come so far. I am looking forward to the future, and sharing it as deemed necessary.

Back and Forth

This is such a test for me... and for him as well. After converting he has been thinking a lot to make sure he is making the right decision, alhamdulilah, as he should. He should be convinced, as I am, that Islam is the true faith of God and that it is the faith that should be followed. 

It does throw my heart in opposite directions though when we talk about religion with each other. I want so badly for him to be a Muslim that it hurts when he says that there are areas of Islamic belief that he has a hard time accepting. Mostly these things relate to Jesus and the Islamic viewpoint on his life and death. MashaAllah, if he were to pass today he would die as a Muslim and inshaAllah be granted Jannah. I couldn't ask for more than that. 

He has told me that we would get married today if he was absolutely sure about religion. SubhanaAllah, I try to be so patient through this and guide him along the way, giving resources to Islam that he may not have otherwise. I can only put my faith in Allah and know that whatever happens, it is Allah's will and be happy with it. 

Now on a different note, Naushad called me Saturday night at 1am and we talked for two hours. The first 5 minutes or more he was asking about me and Gabe and if we were together. I'm not sure what his intentions were behind this... part of me wonders if he is asking because he wants to talk to me again. The other side of me thinks that he wants to know because he feels so sorry for me... like I lost something so great when we broke up. Through the conversation he expressed his thoughts on the girl he has been seeing in Florida and I told him it is hard to hear since she came before me and I always thought that she would come after me as well. He said he wanted to love me but he thinks maybe he never did... **sigh**... that is never easy to hear. 

I continue conversating with Naushad because I don't know of anyone else who will tell him straight out when he is being stupid. I feel like he needs so much help and guidance to get him to where he needs to be and I feel responsible for helping him in any way that I can. At the same time though, when I am talking to him I end up leaving the conversation feeling so stupid for staying with him for so long... for believing he was a better man than he is, subhanaAllah. 

So here I sit... continuing to be in limbo for what will happen in this life. Maybe I will continue to be a single mom... maybe I will get married and have more kids... Allahu Alim. InshaAllah I will be grateful for whatever comes my way and not lose hope. I have been so lazy with my Islam lately and feeling despair for what is going on, astagfirullah. I know better... I know that strengthening my iman and deen is the only cure for unhappiness, but yet I stray. InshaAllah I will get stronger by the day and be of those who are blessed with Jannah, only through the grace and mercy of Allah.